Blue Balls Debunked
If someone with male sex organs complains about blue balls during a sexual encounter, my advice would be to take it as a sign to stop seeing them. To me, the phrase “don’t give me blue balls'' essentially means “please continue to perform this sexual act on me even though you said you would like to stop.” And if someone says this, it displays that they have a disregard for consent and a lack of respect for their partner's sexual boundaries.
Consent is not just an enthusiastic yes prior to a sexual experience, but continued enthusiasm throughout the encounter. If the person you’re fooling around with wants to stop, it means you stop, no question asked.
What’s increasingly frustrating about the rates in which cis men complain about blue balls is that they are not the only people who experience discomfort at the hands of sex acts halting prior to orgasm. Essentially, “blue balls” happens to everyone. For people with vaginas, the phrase is more commonly referred to as “blue vulva”. When a person is turned on, blood flows to their genitals. This causes an aching feeling which halts in the instance of orgasm. The phrase “blue vulva” hasn’t caught on too much since cis men don’t tend to satisfy women’s sexual needs.
As Dr. Laurie Mintz said in a Tweet, “When masturbating, 95% of women orgasm. In first time hookups with other women, they orgasm 64% of the time. In first time hookups with men, they orgasm 7% of the time. This tells us that the problem isn’t women’s ability to orgasm. It’s our cultural scripts for heterosexual sex.”
Since cis men statistically struggle quite a lot to help their female partners achieve orgasm, it’s pretty laughable that any of them have anything to complain about when someone doesn’t make them finish. Additionally, there are other solutions to blue balls than pressuring your partner to participate in a sex act against their will. In fact, distracting yourself by going outside or reading a book can make them go away just as easily.
So, the next time a sexual partner complains that you might give them “blue balls,” take it as a red flag that they are not mature enough to be having any experiences with you to begin with. If people who have sex with men collectively stop putting up with their rapey complaints, maybe some of them will begin to obtain a greater grasp on consent and mutual sexual satisfaction.
