On “Virginity”
One of the biggest topics of conversation in adolescent culture and popular media is the concept of “virginity.” Typically, a “virgin” is defined as someone who has never had sexual intercourse. Regardless of variations in sexual preferences and experiences, virginity is limited to a narrow and heteronormative common interpretation that comes along with harmful ramifications.
In American society, virginity is viewed through a heteronormative lens that only considers penetrative vaginal sex to meet the landmark. Consequently, this definition invalidates first-time sexual experiences that stray from heteronormativity. The concept of virginity lists physical penetration as the most significant sexual act, neglecting to consider other important factors in sexual experiences such as pleasure, consent, and intimacy. To me, pleasure and enjoyment are much more important features in first-time sexual experiences than physical penetration, especially since penetration only occurs during heterosexual sex.
Not only are common understandings of virginity rooted in heteronormative and exclusionary values, but current interpretations of virginity are also intended to uphold historic patriarchal dominance. Essentially, virginity was a misogynistic concept made up by men trying to commodify the female body; it undermines consent and is also actively harmful to women and queer people around the world. From a historical viewpoint, the hymen ‘breaking’ in the female body was supposed to be the marker of whether or not a woman was a virgin. If a woman’s hymen was in place, it meant that she was suitable and pure enough for marriage. However, this concept is complete nonsense, especially considering that there is no possible way to figure out whether a woman’s hymen is “broken.”
Essentially, enforced regulations around broken hymens and virginity forced women to neglect their inherent sexual urges for the purpose of marriage and financial stability. And these harmful historical interpretations of virginity have not disintegrated from our society. People with vaginas are still told to wait to have sex, told that penetrative sex is the only way to lose their virginity, and told that if they give up their virginity too young they are nasty and unworthy of respect or love.
One of the biggest misconceptions about virginity in our society is that penetrative sex is painful for the female involved. However, this is completely false. The person with a vagina would only experience pain in the scenario that there was not enough foreplay prior to the sexual act. Stereotypes that losing your virginity is painful for people with vaginas are rooted in misogyny. Additionally, these preconceptions leave people with penis’ neglecting their female partners' pleasures and enjoyment of the experience. If we tell young men that women simply cannot enjoy sex and will hate it, they will never learn to prioritize pleasing their partner or ensuring that the experience is mutually beneficial.
Common understandings of virginity are the reason that female pleasure is rarely prioritized in real life, in conversations about sex, or in pornography. Notions that sex is very painful for women are also at the root of slut-shamming and societal stigmas around sexually active women. As Lillian Lemouchi said, “we are permitted to be sexualized by men, but sexuality that is not an extension of or an aid to male pleasure is forbidden.” In order to liberate women from historic patriarchal norms, we need to restructure sex-ed courses to display that one’s first sexual encounter should never be painful and that one’s first sexual experience can be significant just because it feels significant, with or without penetration being involved.
