What Are Love Languages?
Art by Jonny Arendt-Rosenberg
Dr. Gary Chapman, the author of The Five Love Languages published his book in 1992 identifying the five most common types of ‘love languages’ he has seen couples respond to and/or exhibit. While this book came out in the early 90’s, I had not even heard of love languages until a few months ago when people started posting about them on social media. There was a point in time where I saw twitter posts non stop saying “sharing music/sending pictures of cats/‘we will figure it out together’ is my love language.” And although these definitely are love languages, they all seem to fall under a specific branch of one of the common five.
The five common love languages are words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, physical touch and receiving gifts. It may seem like a few, if not all of these go hand in hand, but you are bound to have one love language that sticks out to you more than the rest. But what exactly is a love language? A love language is the language in which you express love to your partner, but can also be towards friends and family members. Dr. Chapman notes that since the people in a relationship do not often share the same love language miscommunication may arise, so it is important to let your partner know what your love language is, but to also understand theirs.
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Words Of Affirmation
Words of affirmation are exactly what you think it is. You find comfort when your partner says encouraging things to you. Praise from your partner is everything whether it is face to face, text messages or love letters. Hearing your partner say “I’m proud of you” is the affection you desire. You enjoy compliments big or small, when you look your best or when you just woke up. It is best to avoid constant criticisms and to indulge in kind words. For me, I love receiving (and also writing) love letters from my partner that explain how much I mean to them. My partner and I like being able to look back at our notes whenever we have bad days and need some encouragement.
Quality time
Spending time with your partner is something you always look forward to. You enjoy when you can connect with them through quality time. This could be having eye contact, no interruptions, no phones and showing a genuine interest in whatever they are talking about. You love being able to do activities with your partner whether it is going out, staying in or traveling. Being able to hang out just the two of you is ideal. It is important to have a balance between your friends and your partner if this is your partner’s love language. Some action you can take if this is the case is planning or doing a spontaneous vacation or taking long walks a few times a week. This is definitely a love language I still try to work on, especially since I am a BIG interrupter during conversation, even with friends and family. But, this is a huge part of my daily routine with my partner since we talk about our days after work or school and usually plan our week together. Especially with the pandemic, we love that we get to spend time together just the two of us most days of the week.
Acts Of Service
Simply put, your partner will take on some responsibilities or do nice gestures for you. These acts can be as simple as filling up the gas in your car or vacuuming the house before you come home from work. Bigger acts could be helping your partner with a project after they have had a stressful day. Most of the time, acts of service are meant to be meaningful, small gestures often done by surprise. If this is your partner’s love language it may be best to ask “is there anything I can do?” This is my top love language because I think it is the most meaningful for me. Acts of service is my highest ranked because I appreciate this from everyone. It is great when my partner does little things for me, but I also feel loved by friends and family through this love language as well.
Physical Touch
While physical touch may seem obvious, I think there is more to it than kissing or having consensual sex. Even though those are important aspects of physical touch, there are others that are more subtle while being intimate at the same time. The act of holding hands, hugging your partner or even cuddling on the couch can be enough to satisfy someone’s needs and let them know that you love them. Since this is a non-verbal love language, it is best to flourish your partner with hugs, kisses, or even just touching or stroking a part of their body. This of course needs to be consensual!!! One of my favorites from this category is getting and giving a back massage to my partner after a long day. It is a simple luxury that the two of us can count on from each other that takes place through physical touch. The idea of closeness and being embraced by each other is what physical touch really means.
Receiving Gifts
This love language is again, exactly how it sounds. You love the thought that goes into gifts your partner will get for you. Most of the time it does not matter how much money they spent, but what it means to you. It shows that they truly know and care about you. Acts of service and receiving gifts go hand in hand in that they are most of the time surprises by your partner. If this is your partner’s love language it would not hurt to surprise them with gifts on days without a special occasion, but remember special occasions as well (birthdays, anniversaries, holidays). This love language is one of my lowest ranked because I am an awkward person when it comes to receiving gifts however, I do love giving little gifts that mean something or an item they said they wanted a few months back.
Of course, these are not the love languages you have to confine yourself to!! Like I mentioned earlier things like sharing playlists or being able to make art together can most certainly be a love language. Remember it is always best to communicate with your partner and tell them what you like, and to ask what they like as well. If you are still unsure about what your love language is based on the five most common, take this quiz to help you determine!
