Hating Yourself Doesn’t Make You Unworthy of Love
When I was growing up I was constantly fed the mantra that I could never be in a truly fulfilling or healthy relationship until I fully loved myself. But at this point in my life, I have come to the conclusion that this is just completely false, and also rather harmful.
The truth of the matter is, there is no minimum point of personal healing and self-love one needs to reach before they qualify to be loved by another. The idea that we must love ourselves first makes it seem as though self-love has a finish line, and that once you reach it life will be all butterflies and rainbows. But this is not the case, and self-love doesn’t often come easily in total isolation.
As humans we are social beings, meaning we grow most in relation to other people. The notion that we need to love ourselves fully before we can love other people is rooted in individualistic cultural values that inevitably isolate people. I know for me at least, having people around who I know love and support me no matter what makes it a lot easier to push myself to be the best that I can. The more I allow myself to depend on people, the more I realize how much they often help lift me up.
This is all not to say that people shouldn’t aspire to love themselves, because self-love can be one of the most powerful things around. I just don’t believe that I’m ever going to reach a point where I don’t have an ounce of self-hatred inside of me, and I don’t think that means that I can never be in a healthy relationship, nor that I should rid myself fully of depending on others.
This mantra of loving yourself first also makes it seem as though being in a relationship is the end goal, and loving yourself is just a step along the way. But pursuing self-love only in the hopes that someone else will love you is not genuinely pursuing self-love. I think that one should pursue self-love because they deserve to love themself, not because they deserve love from other people. We have all always deserved love from other people.
At the moments when I have demonized myself the most, or thought of myself as unworthy, positive affirmations from other people have actually helped me lift myself back up. Depending on other people can help you grow a sense of self-love, and healing doesn’t have to happen in isolation. Moments of self-hatred do not make you unworthy of receiving love from others.
Self-love is not an achievement to be made, but more like a lifelong journey that will never come to completion. As Bruce D. Perry said, “You cannot love yourself unless you have been loved and are loved. The capacity to love cannot be built in isolation.”
